NK Podcast: Leading H.E.R. Way
What if I told you that building a successful business doesn’t have to mean running yourself into the ground?
Welcome to Leading HER Way, the podcast that challenges the outdated belief that success has to come with burnout.
I’m Nikisha, your disruptive coach, and after 15 years of growing multiple businesses, I’ve learned that working harder isn’t the answer—building smarter is.
Every week, I sit down with powerhouse women entrepreneurs and wedding pros who’ve cracked the code to scaling their businesses while reclaiming their time.
You’ll hear raw, unfiltered conversations, client transformations, and behind-the-scenes success stories proving that your business can thrive without you constantly putting out fires.
Here’s what you’ll take away:
✔️ How to build 7-figure systems that scale—so you’re not stuck in the weeds of your business.
✔️ How to stop being the bottleneck and design a business that runs smoothly without you.
✔️ Social proof from industry leaders who have mastered this shift—and are here to show you how.
So, if you’re ready to work less while earning more, hit play, and let’s create a business that ignites your freedom. 🔥
NK Podcast: Leading H.E.R. Way
11: Navigating Negative Thoughts & Emotional Well-Being with Grace Montes
Have you ever felt like a fraud, terrified that others will discover you're not as talented as they think you are? You're far from alone, and in this episode, we chat with Grace Montes, a counselor at ARBOR Counseling Centers, about the pervasive issue of imposter syndrome, particularly in high-achieving women.
In today's episode:
- We dissect the reasons behind gravitating towards negativity and explore the importance of understanding our emotions to better connect with ourselves.
- Grace shares her expertise in managing thoughts and feelings through self-awareness and how to distinguish between our voices and external influences.
- We also discuss the impact of societal expectations and people-pleasing tendencies on our self-worth and decision-making.
- Lastly, we delve into the significance of investing in emotional wellness and prioritizing self-care.
On Nikisha King Podcast, you'll learn the importance of recognizing your value to make decisions that truly benefit your well-being.
How can you connect with Grace Montes:
- ARBOR Counseling Center - https://www.arborcounselingcenters.com
- On Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/arbor_counseling_centers
- Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/arborcounselingcenters
- LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/company/arbor-counseling-centers
If today’s episode sparked a new perspective for you, don’t stop here!
Head to our resources page by Clicking Here.
You'll find exclusive FREE resources to help you streamline your business, charge what you're worth, and finally work smarter, not harder.
Let’s make 2025 your most profitable year yet!
You're listening to Nikisha King Podcast leading her way, episode 11. Do you have a dream or a mission or a fire that has ignited inside of you to create an amazing business that can grow and scale But, at the same time, you don't want to sacrifice your life, your family relationships or values in building this dream? If this is you, welcome to the Nikisha King Podcast leading her way. In listening to this podcast, you'll learn how to dream big without limitations and create a business that will allow you to grow and scale while doing the things you love. You'll learn how to grow your team organically with the right systems in place, and you'll learn how to stop playing it small and start living your true vision.
Nikisha King:I'm your host and certified confidence Nikisha King Hidalgo. I'm ready to take you on an exciting journey and share my pivotal moments as an entrepreneur and leader in building the Nikisha King brand. Are you ready to be invigorated, be seen and heard, evolve and become a Zonia on your unique journey? Then join my guest and me every Tuesday as we share tremendous aha moments in our business journey and all the moments we endured to get where we are today.
Nikisha King:Hi, everyone, and welcome to Nikisha King Podcast leading her way, and today's guest is Grace Montez, who will be hanging out with us and getting really into the conversation about imposter syndrome. This is going to be a great topic because I think this is something, especially when it comes to women, that we deal with And we're going to kind of talk about it, and there'll be points where we're going to maybe touch on some of your vulnerable spots, but I'm okay with that because I love tapping on these spots so people can just have an aha moment in them. So, grace, thank you so much for joining us today and I am so happy to have you. Can you share with our audience a little bit about who you are and how amazing you are.
Grace Montes:Oh, thank you. Thank you so much, first of all, for having me. This is definitely one of those things that I have been in my own hand about joining a podcast, so I appreciate the invitation and the positive energy and getting me here. So thank you for that, and obviously you're amazing. So I think this is going to be fun. So I think, for starters, my name is Grace Montez and I am a counselor at Arbor Counseling Centers. It's a private practice I co-own with a friend of mine, cynthia Vanadium, and I believe you had her already on your podcast. So I'm excited to be one of them And I primarily. You know, one of the things that I do primarily is I work with a lot of women, and that has been something that you know. It didn't come to a understanding that that was like my favorite client until recently. So I am, you know, really excited about talking a little bit more on why I work with women and, primarily, who are the women that I really work with. All right, that's so good.
Nikisha King:What made you realize they became your favorite client? What is it that caught your attention about them? What was that?
Grace Montes:Well, i think when I started my career, you know one of the things that, as counselors and as therapists, that you have to do when you start the field is that you are really exposed to working with a diverse population, right, so it can be diverse in age, it can be diverse in terms of your ethnic background, you know what is it, financial whereabouts and things like that.
Grace Montes:So, like you're exposed to a lot in community health.
Grace Montes:So I think, like initially, you want to learn so much that you want to just work with everyone and you want to make sure that you are serving everybody and that you are becoming you know the quote unquote the best therapist you can be. So part of that, there's a belief there that the more you work with people and the more you learn about people that you'll become, you know, a seasoned therapist. So I think, like I don't think I had that opportunity really initially to know, okay, who do you actually enjoy working with? And, if you want to, you know, go to work every day and, feeling like it's not work, who will those people be Like? who? who do you feel like you're just having a conversation and you feel restored and you feel like you're actually, you know, providing a amazing service. And I think, like when I started working with different coaches, when I started doing more reading, when I started really to reflect, i found that my favorite clients were usually women, and it was usually the same type of women.
Nikisha King:And what kind of type is that? She was a little more.
Grace Montes:Well, coincidentally, i remember doing this one activity that one of my coaches did, which is one of, like, the coaches that I have my girl crush on, and I remember when I did her a little activity and at the end afterwards it was like, oh, you know, you enjoy working with women like you. So the best thing I could tell you is, you know, like that was like the little punt in the at the end of the activity was like okay, yeah, so, as you can see, it's typically women like you. So I'm like all right, great, so now I like to work with women like me. It took me all this activity to realize this And I started thinking about all my favorite clients in the past.
Grace Montes:And, yes, they were women who really were family oriented. They were you know, your quote, unquote what people might see as overachieving, which I like better high achieving, because it feels like you know a much more positive way as opposed to over. So like high achieving women, women who really are trying to set a path for themselves, really to do things that they enjoy, that they are not necessarily always quiet And I think sometimes, you know, seeing yourself in other women is not always easy, because maybe you don't see yourself in them. People might see you a particular way, but I didn't always see myself in that manner, like, yes, you know, i do a lot, i, i, i do think I'm a go getter, but I didn't necessarily, i guess, identified as a high achieving because I, in my eyes, i didn't feel like I have achieved enough And that's essentially what high achieving women think Exactly.
Nikisha King:They think they're not doing enough.
Grace Montes:Yeah, So that that was always fun to realize.
Grace Montes:So I think, like that's when I realized, okay, all these women that I've been working with and you know, is you know different women's walks of life.
Grace Montes:you know teachers, lawyers, doctors, entrepreneurs, mothers, you know, i mean, it didn't have to be a particular woman who was maybe in the career force, but like, maybe they were women who were like I would say like wow, you're like the super mom, like I don't know how you do this. Like these are the women that, even though they might have not been in a career path, you could see that their personality was that they really wanted to do a lot and they enjoyed it and they like taking care of people and they always wanted to find a way to make things prettier, better, more effective. So I found, like that piece with women was something that resonated in me. So those were what I found like, okay, these are the women that I love working with and it's always fun to, you know, have sessions with them or have a group with them, because it just feels like you're bouncing off ideas and having this like really deep conversations.
Nikisha King:That's such a good point, because I feel like that's why we are attracted in regards to working with one another and me being in your orbit. and the same thing is because I'm a. I am that person, right? The person you describe how you're cheating. don't believe I'm doing enough, right? Like I need more, like give me more, like this is nothing, and I feel like when I have more, i'm doing well, give me 10 million things to do and I'm like, oh, this is good, i got this.
Grace Montes:I find that always so funny because it's like when I'm Not doing much. I You know it's hard for me, but when I have like a lot. Oh, i'm like boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom And I'm like, why am I thriving? Crisis not always good, but still you know. It's good to recognize that right and I recognize that.
Nikisha King:And when I did, i Decided to shift it for myself, because what I was doing was and I wasn't loving on me I was taking care of everyone else and not myself, and if I don't take care of myself, i didn't know how I was able to give. So, in other words, i felt like my family got the residual part of me. I felt like I showed up for everyone in my business my partners in business But when it came to my family, the energy was so low because I didn't take care of me that now They get the residual me, they get the, the leftovers, and I didn't think that was Fear to the people I'm with every day and I give my love to. So I had to change that because It wasn't working. It wasn't, you know, being substantial to anyone, and I just wanted to something different. I wanted to be able to enjoy life by just loving on me a little bit more, and what I learned through that transition is The more I love me Oh my god the more I can give, and I give to so many people without feeling drained. It's easier now.
Nikisha King:So it's so interesting that you even said about high performing being better in crisis mode Rather than we don't have anything Now in our topic. Today, we believe or we have this notion of something called imposter syndrome, and there's so many wonderful, amazing women in the world who feel like they're imposter of fraud, have doubt in their abilities and And in today we're gonna talk about that. You're gonna talk about it from a counseling, actual perspective as well, because I have One. I've experienced it to. I truly Know it's a thing.
Nikisha King:Mm-hmm but three. I think Something's hiding under that. I think if you lift a hood up, the first thing you see is imposter syndrome. But if I dig a little deeper There's something else there. Lurking has nothing to do with the imposter syndrome, i just think it's like the coat. If I put this on, i could show everyone my imposter syndrome coat Right and tell everyone this is why I'm not doing this, this and that.
Grace Montes:I love the visual of it. I actually, recently I shared something on my LinkedIn that I saw and it was a little animation They created about and it was, like you know, different shapes, it's like a cartoon and it was this, this little, like you know, this little shape, and it had eyes and everything and you know, all these people were going to work and they all were like I forget what color it was, but the whole point of the whole little cartoon was that this person was putting on this coat and this coat was this Perception that he had and he felt like a fraud, right, and then at the end, i think it goes through a whole point and it kind of, you know, walks you through on how, like they're able to, the person who is walking through it is like, oh wow, like they're just like me, and then they Because the way that they realize that they're all like struggling with the same thing, it's because, like water comes out and then all the different colors come out and you see all these different colors And it's great. I have to find it and save it. I remember sharing it on LinkedIn and and it was the whole thing talking about imposter syndrome And I don't even know what it was like, one of these kind of big companies or anything, but I just love the visual because to me it's exactly that right. So when you talk about imposter syndrome And you mentioned, like that coat, i think like that in itself. Sometimes I remember even myself experiencing it, you know, and I think the other part of it is like the imposter syndrome, you know, it's one of those things that It creeps on you in different times in your life.
Grace Montes:It's not only you know about career. I see, i've seen it with, you know, clients who are new moms. I've seen it with clients who, you know, are now going through a different career change where they no longer feel like, okay, they're the best of the best or they're competent, you know. So I think like that's another thing in terms of what I've noticed, at least in terms not only with my clients and even, you know, with myself or no family friends that I did, we all talk, right. It's like you hear that piece of like, okay, i Hey, i don't feel like I know what I'm doing. Be, i feel like everybody knows that I don't know what I'm doing. And You know, i can't believe that People think I have it all put together, but they don't really know that I'm a fraud. It's like this ongoing, you know story that we keep telling ourselves. And You know, i think as a counselor It's always Interesting too, and I say interesting in the sense of like oh, it's not like the typical, like, ah, interesting, it's more of like It's.
Grace Montes:It's interesting to see how connected we are all are in terms of it, and even men, you know, that's the other thing, i think, in posture syndrome. This is not, you know, only You know, a germane to women. It's Men too, and I see it more and more. I think the reason why people think it's only about women is because, as women, we enjoy Processing things, we enjoy conversations. We were in many ways groomed to that, were much more open to being vulnerable Because, quote-unquote, that's, you know, okay, in our gender roles, but for men they're taught very different.
Grace Montes:For men they're taught you know, you have to be strong, you can't talk about emotions. So you know, being vulnerable for them It's like, absolutely No. First of all, it's not attractive. Second of all, it's not what I was taught and third of all, it's not what being a man means. So like. It's interesting also to see that on the other side, what if we're going into gender roles? and certainly, you know, i think like people who maybe are don't identify with a gender I've also seen it too. So I think like this is something that's universal in terms of this imposter syndrome, and I think it can mean different things for different people. So I love how you described it, because I think it's a great way.
Nikisha King:Thanks on that, and you're completely right. I feel like it's a human experience.
Nikisha King:It is an experience where one you identify with this title or this label that's been put out into the world imposter syndrome and When I think about that thing that's hidden, it usually comes from fear that we all experience.
Nikisha King:And when we're scared of the possibilities That this new ability, the thing that we're really good at, but we're like I don't know if it's me, i just think you know, everyone sees this and I'm like this is easy, right, and we think it's easy because guess what, guys, it is your gift, it is your talent. That's why, for you, it's so easy. But the fact that it's easy and we have people who say positive things about it and give us Their personal opinion about it, we usually feel like this can't be real, this is not possible, and when you look deep down, it's a little bit of fear You're scared of. If they see this and I do this, i might have to do something extra, i might have to become something more or change it up, because I've accomplished this or there's a lot of different things behind it. But for my story, when I was younger, in my business I've been in business for 13 years and And in the graduations.
Nikisha King:Thank you. And in being in business, as I was starting to get out there and do more work and One. I have a medical background. That's where I come from. I don't come from a creative world where now I have a design agency.
Grace Montes:I feel like I just learned something new about you, i did not know that.
Nikisha King:Yeah, i was on the track of becoming a doctor, so I went to do thoracic surgery and I wanted to be in that realm. But I knew that if I chose that realm, my family life would be different than what it is today. I wouldn't be as present as I am with my younger kids, and When I worked for doctors, the experience of their lives were very different. With their kids, their relationship was different and They were examples of things I didn't desire for me. So I was like I need to make a change. And then I went to healthcare administration. So that's been my background. I've always analyzed, diagnose really good at that. But when I came into the design world was from being creative. During my wedding I was doing something and I was like this feels so good to actually not be analyzing but actually creating something. And Then I got into the world of designing.
Nikisha King:So imagine going from health very logical right very Left brain, i believe to now joining the right brain world, the world where they're like seeing Color hers and they can put things together and I was like Impostor syndrome, was so my house wearing a coat and it was colorful.
Grace Montes:And I never saw yourself as an artist and created. That was not your label.
Nikisha King:That wasn't my label, That's not. when I was younger I didn't do that, That wasn't my thing. So being an imposter in that world at that moment in time felt like I couldn't do anything. but that's my whole point. I was really scared that I wouldn't be welcome. I was scared that my work wouldn't be as good as the other creatives. I had a fear that am I making a wrong decision? Are they gonna see me for who I truly, who I'm thinking I am right, This analytical, logical human being? Are they gonna see this and be like she's not part of our crew, right? And that's where my imposter syndrome came in. And when it came in, it hindered me for years. For years it stopped me. I procrastinated. I always questioned myself.
Nikisha King:This is resonating so much for me, Nekisa, Oh my gosh. That's why I love sharing this. I always questioned my abilities. I always played it safe. I never did anything outside of my comfort zone And to this day, I worked diligently hard not to fall back. Do I fall back?
Nikisha King:Of course, because it's my human experience, but I don't dare put on the imposter syndrome code. I won't put that on. Save my life Like no, thank you, you can keep that Because I know I'm not an imposter. I know my capabilities right And that's the story I'm telling myself. Now. The story is Nekisa, you've been doing this for 13 years. Any business you start, you have a good foundation because you know what to do. Will it be different? Yes, different market, different ideal clients, but you're so good at this. That's the story I tell myself.
Grace Montes:How's it of thinking It's wonderful what it does for us, like how we think it impacts everything. I mean that's a lot of the work that I do with folks when they're counseling, really getting them to understand how their cognitions play a part into their everyday life and how it affects their feelings and how it affects what they do on a day to day. You end up in this self-sabotaging cycle.
Nikisha King:Right, my question to you is why do you think people always go back to the negative rather than the positive story? Why do you think they find comfort in that limiting story, the one that might stop them from actually moving forward?
Grace Montes:I mean, i think sometimes it means something different for each person. I do think that one of the things that I do a lot of work with in general, with all my clients, both women, men and, in general, children everybody humans is the first thing that I talk about is really understanding what a feeling, what an emotion is trying to communicate to you, and I always tell the story that, ironically, i fell into counseling just by accident. Honestly, i never. When I was a little grace or young grace, i never thought I was gonna be a therapist, mental health therapist at all, and I think the reason I tell people to understand their feelings is really because feelings are one of these things that we want to ignore if they're negative.
Grace Montes:We only want to bask in the ones that are positive, and I think in terms of even in terms of the negative stories, i think that sometimes a negative story reinforces something in us that maybe at this time, is still serving us. So if that negative story that you're telling yourself is serving you in some capacity, because there's a function to our behaviors, there's a function to our feelings. So even when we engage in self-sabotage behaviors like a lot of the times I tell people, self-awareness is not equal change. I know that if my goal is to lose weight and I continue to eat ice cream in really big amounts and I'm using the example of eating because I think a lot of people can relate to that When it comes to eating money I think we all have different behaviors that can be in many ways negative or unhealthy. I think it's just really a sense of unhealthy. So we all have unhealthy and healthy variations of behaviors.
Grace Montes:But I do think that our feelings are something in emotions that we really need to learn to see as a communication process, understanding what our feeling is, not just telling us in terms of the logical piece, but emotionally there's a need there and understanding how it's even feeling in our body. So if you're fearful and you feel it in your body like, one of the biggest things, like for me, that I need to be aware of is if I'm experiencing fear of doing something, sometimes I need to notice where am I feeling it in my body? Sometimes I feel like there's a big knot and sometimes it's like a mixture of fear and anger that I feel like I can't ask for what I want. And if I were to just sit back and just sit with the feeling, as opposed to trying to distract myself immediately, i can get a sense of what is that feeling trying to communicate. It might be that I need to have a tough conversation with someone about a boundary, or it might mean that you know what I don't agree with someone and because of my people pleasing comes up. I just don't want to kind of ruffle any feathers.
Grace Montes:So part of it, I think, is that I think it's like each person really needs to become much more connected with themselves, and sometimes a lot of people. It's easier to hear everybody else's voice. You know, sometimes it's our parents, sometimes it's our boss. Whoever that is for you. That's another thing we need to understand. Okay, what is that feeling? is trying to communicate something to you, something that it's not making sense, and if you continue to ignore it, then it's just going to get worse. And this is why people struggle with intense feelings because they repress it so much, they push it down so much. The negative feeling because they only want to deal with happy, excited and fun.
Nikisha King:Right, exactly, so true. There's one thing you said that I'm going to question self-awareness They're and, speaking about what you just spoke about, there's something right before the feeling that happens that I think a lot of us are not aware of And, in my definition, that's what self-awareness comes from. So, in coaching, feelings happen, but before the feeling happened, there's a thought. A lot of us use this word to explain our thoughts. Remember, thoughts are opinion. They're not true, they're not false. They're just thoughts. They're just words on a screen.
Nikisha King:So when you were just sharing about maybe I'm scared to ruffle feathers or I don't want to ruffle anyone feathers, that is a thought, absolutely. And when you're thinking I don't want to ruffle anyone's feathers, there's a feeling that follows that thought Exactly. The thought activates the feeling of I'm gonna be timid or shy or I'm upset, but you don't really want to ruffle feathers. And when you're upset at thinking I don't want to ruffle feathers, you get quiet, you ruminate in your mind, you're complaining, you're ignoring this person because you don't want to start anything. You don't want to ruffle feathers, right, and you're resulting in not ruffling feathers, you're resulting in not actually managing the situation. But the thing about self-awareness is, if I know what I'm thinking, then I know what this feeling is about.
Grace Montes:And if I know what this feeling is about, right.
Nikisha King:When you say, sometimes you won't tell me what that means, what that?
Grace Montes:means is I think like, and because I know you and you can obviously correct me in terms of like, my experience of you I think like. I've experienced you as very intuitive. You're very aware of the difference between your thoughts and your feelings And you're very aware of how these all interact. So when you were talking about the thought, a lot of people also see that you know. Again, like we were saying, thoughts are not facts, the same thing as feelings. Feelings are not factual, they're merely communication systems And often one of the biggest things that we do. I remember even one of my professors reminding us I feel. That is not a feeling, is a thought, right?
Grace Montes:So like always like the language we use. This is why I always say like how you speak to yourself. Sometimes I've used it in groups or even in my individual counseling. I said what would it be like if you spoke to your best friend the way you speak to yourself?
Nikisha King:Oh, they would dislike you.
Grace Montes:That face you made and that like response. You know, some they'll immediately say that and some are like. They kind of like start feeling like you could see that. They're like starting to look uncomfortable and they're like what's going on? Like, well, i don't think I'd have a lot of friends. I'm like, well, what is that about?
Grace Montes:I don't speak to myself very nicely. And then I wonder I'm like, well, what is that about for you? Why is it that you can speak so awful to yourself But that's not how you would speak to others? And how do you not realize that how you speak to yourself? And when I say I don't realize I'm not being disrespectful, it's just like because this is so automatic. So I think like a lot of people forget. So I think it's what you're bringing up is absolutely great that you're bringing it up, because I think there is a lot of mirroring that happens with coaching and counseling. It has a lot to do with getting someone to really, in many ways, not become so automatic with what they're doing, because a lot of the times we don't, you know, we're just doing, we're just doing, doing, doing, doing, not connecting these pieces. So I love that you brought that up, but I do think that a lot of people don't realize that those are their thoughts, because a lot of people don't even realize that you can change your thought. They don't. That's another thing.
Nikisha King:I love you 100%.
Grace Montes:A lot of people look at me like no, grace, that's impossible. I'm like all right. so when you're watching TV, i always tell them you're watching TV, yeah, you're watching TV. What do you do if you're watching something that's boring or that just doesn't click with you? What do you do? Oh, i change the channel. Same thing with your thoughts. They're like what do you mean? Like, yeah, you do realize that you can change your thought. No, i never realized that. I'm like all right, let's try it. So then I work with them on that, like working on challenging thoughts. So I think, like, for someone like you, who I think is really well connected and knows and understand the feelings, absolutely 100%, right, i think they realize that. Oh, for some of the people, that I've been the majority are not aware.
Grace Montes:So I kind of have to start over here. You know So that I did want to bring awareness. So I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm just saying like I think it does depend on how aware they even are about the differences between those pieces.
Nikisha King:But I was in a born awareness. So in 2020, when you met, like if anyone knows me, you might feel that way because of working together and building a business together.
Grace Montes:That's how I perceived you.
Nikisha King:Yeah, but that wasn't my story. I was not aware of my thoughts that were creating my feelings, Then my feelings were creating my actions right, that was your game changer. Yes, that was my game changer when I became a coach with the Life Coach School. That is the model we use when we bring awareness to our clients. Now, when I have feelings, oh, and I still do, guys, I wanna steal my business, So I'm still uncomfortable.
Nikisha King:When I'm uncomfortable, trust me, a lot of thoughts come and I'd be like, oh, here's another one. And then I have to process it. but at least now I have a tool to process it?
Nikisha King:Yes yes, a lot of people don't have the tools. Hence the reason when they hire a coach or they hire a counsel, this is where that comes in place. This is where you bend the tools. This is where you show them about changing the channel. A thought is so possible, like you can change it, and the thing about it that's so amazing is that people think their thoughts and opinions are fact.
Nikisha King:Yes, and a fact is not what you think it is. A fact is when a majority of human beings agree on it. In other words, when we all look up and we look at the sky. If you go grace, what color is the sky? And she answers blue, because you know and you see blue. We can all agree. That's a fact.
Nikisha King:But if I go grace, you're wearing like a peach color lipstick. I don't know if that's your color. That's my opinion, because right next to me could be. Like you are hot. Do you know what I mean? Like, and I tell people that like, your thoughts are not facts And some people really, in their heart, believe because my mom or my dad or my sister or my brother did this. That is a fact. Like they hurt me in ways, and that's a fact. They're evil, they're conniving And I go. yes, i understand your feelings about this because you have experienced this, but let's really become aware of what the thoughts are about this, because when you get deep and you ask them why they feel this way or what are their thoughts on this, that's when their values come into play, that's where their thoughts come into play, and then it creates these feelings that give you such actions.
Nikisha King:So, when you even mentioned to me about the fact that The thing about coaching at times in our world is we coach on the symptoms, the actions. Like someone's eating a lot, let's give them a different diet regimen, right, let's change that up. They can do it for a little bit, but they can go back to their old ways. And it usually stems from what are your thoughts, because your thoughts are leading to feelings. Sometimes we eat because we feel like sad, we feel uncomfortable.
Grace Montes:There's mechanisms that we start using.
Nikisha King:Yes, those feelings drive our actions. And it's so good that we're speaking about this, because that's what I feel about imposter syndrome And the thought is, i'm not as really as good as they think I am. And then, when you have that thought, you're having a feeling of doubt. And then, when you're having a feeling of doubt, guess what you're going to do. You're not going to show up doing the best work you can.
Nikisha King:You're going to think about, hmm, you ruminate about it. Am I really good, i should do something else? Then you're going to go searching for something else, and that's where it gets really challenging. You know what I mean.
Grace Montes:Absolutely. I think the other part within posture syndrome we talked about the feeling of fear, the feeling of doubt I think the other part of it is sometimes it has also a lot to do with our self-worth, our value. If, again, if we're telling ourselves the story that we are, i think, one of the biggest core beliefs. I think it's like, if life is not fair, then we use it as a kind of it's kind of like wearing these glasses right, they talk about the whole rose-colored glasses. Depending on the filters that you use, you see life through it. And I think, with imposter syndrome, sometimes, when it comes to the self-sabotaging cycle that I'm telling you about, or the self-sabotaging behaviors that we go into, it's easy to not want to. Also, it can be scary in the sense of, like I'm scared to be that person that everybody thinks I am, you know, like because I'm going to fail and then they're going to know that I am an imposter. So sometimes it's also that piece of the people-pleasing piece that comes into play where, if it's out there, if there is a way that people can hold me accountable, you know, then it means that people are going to know that I'm a fraud. So sometimes there's a piece of that. Sometimes it's also the piece that because we don't have that, we haven't worked on that self-love piece, we're doing something for someone. You know whether it's to-sometimes, you know, i see it a lot, you know, the kind of cliche a little bit in terms of I want to prove this to my parent, you know. And then they find themselves in this career path where they realize later on like it wasn't even about them, it was about somebody else's expectations of them. I think, like the other part of it is also with imposter syndrome, i think like it really is about us exploring and reflecting, you know, what are our values, what provides meaning to us? I think, early on in my career.
Grace Montes:I laugh a little bit because I come from a Colombian background. I was born in Colombia and I was raised in the United States and actually here in Elizabeth. You know I've lived there. But I think like, growing up in those kind of two settings, it was always really challenging to feel like, okay, well, am I, you know, colombian? Am I American If I go to Colombia? you know I was told I was, you know, quote unquote the gringa, which is not everybody finds it very, you know, pleasant to be called that And some people don't care about it.
Grace Montes:I think, like I've gone through, you know, but it's meant to be like a joke or like a tease or something like that, to say like you're not from there, right, you're an outsider. And I think in you know, growing up in this country, the same thing. Like you don't feel like you are from this country because you were born in this country. And although I was brought here when I was six months, i think, like for me, like it's been a constant thing about like trying to figure out who I am and figuring out, okay, well, what am I supposed to be?
Grace Montes:Because, if I'm, if I was told that I'm this and I'm supposed to be this way, and you're getting all these messages. You know your parents, school, society, so it makes sense that we're all struggling with, like you know, if anything, everybody's walking out there thinking they're an impostor or something. But it's also what label you? you know it doesn't matter whether you realize you have an imposter syndrome or not. I think it's like what are the labels you're ascribing to? To me, that's the more important piece. If you're ascribing to be even positive labels. Taking those things as extremes can also be harmful, i don't know if that makes sense.
Grace Montes:It's a balance and it is Yeah, like if I want to be the good wife or the quote unquote good daughter whenever I think that I'm not amounting to that, i immediately have a negative thought that will produce a negative feeling.
Grace Montes:And if I'm not aware of that, then I can engage in this negative cycle where if you mentioned food right Like before in your example, then if that's my cycle, then I had the negative thought, i had the negative feeling. So then I'm going to cope in that negative way and I'm going to go eat the whole, you know pint of ice cream.
Nikisha King:Yeah, that's my numbing system.
Grace Montes:Right, and for me, hog and buzz. that's the way to go, because, hog and buzz, if I'm going to go bad, i'm going to go big.
Nikisha King:Exactly, i used to be my thing. I don't blame you at all.
Grace Montes:But I had to become more aware of that. So you know, i didn't realize that until I started really as a counselor. One of the things for me is also I go to my own council and I do genuinely believe that everybody can benefit from counseling, you know, whether you're in crisis or not. I think it provides 100% right, you know, an opportunity for you to really learn about yourself and learn about others, and a lot of the times we were so self-righteous, we're so opinionated and it feels good to be right. I love being right And sometimes it takes someone else telling me you know, or reflecting, or you know, or it might be anything, and then you're like oh, wow, okay, grace, you know that's when you have to have like that heart to heart with yourself. So I think, like those moments that are uncomfortable have been the most humbling, the most vulnerable and the most that I've learned about myself and how I interact with others, and I feel like it helps me become a better person and a better counselor, for that matter.
Nikisha King:That opinion I can 100% agree with. I believe when you do get the Awareness where someone gets a that you trust sit down and talk to and then they can help you become aware.
Grace Montes:And then you go oh, i see it, now you actually have the power to do something and accept it to do All right, like being vulnerable, because no one likes to be told they're wrong.
Nikisha King:It doesn't feel good, oh no, and it's, and you're 100% right, because sometimes it's not even about someone telling me I'm wrong or right. Sometimes I tell myself that oh.
Grace Montes:Yeah, those are, those are fine right.
Nikisha King:Yes, sometimes I don't want to do something because I'm gonna be like it's gonna be wrong, it's no one's gonna want this right. But if I don't actually try, how do I really know? because, once again, it's a thought, it's not a fact.
Grace Montes:No, but we think it's a fact in the moment. So it's so, it's, it's really. It really does take a lot of, i think. There I say discipline because I think, like you know, it's a commitment.
Nikisha King:It also takes investing in yourself. There you go back to the beginning of loving yourself, appreciating yourself, valuing yourself. Once you do those things investing in yourself, getting a counselor, getting a coach, investing in you Becomes easier and I always found that it not to interrupt you.
Grace Montes:But I think, like one of those things that I find always very Contradicting is how we are more inclined to Do something that will be a quick fix As an investment as opposed to really invest in ourselves. I get so many clients that you know we'll say I'm sorry, i, you know, i I'm not able to work because my finances and you know, of course I understand and I'm sure it happens in coaching And I think it's like it's one of those things absolutely understand, you know we can circle back, you can come back and you know, for many Try to work things out with people, right, because it obviously I didn't become a counselor Also because I just wanted to, you know, be a billionaire or something. A lot of people have this idea that therapists are all rich and it's like you know, again, it's the story people tell themselves about people. But I think that what I do see a lot more, especially with the adults, is, i see, and especially with parents, coincidentally, i see a lot of parents. They're willing to pay anything You know, to help their children, and sometimes it's to help or sometimes it's just to, you know, not deal with the schools or not deal with whoever's complaining about their kids, or it's because you know what?
Grace Montes:What are people going to think about me and that horrible parent? So they're willing to like throw money at it, and it might be in form of counseling, might be in anything right. But then when we're When they come to, maybe try to work with a counselor like myself and we talk about finances, i do see it much more that they're not willing to Invest in their self, they're not willing to invest in a coach, they're not willing to invest in, you know, a trainer, whatever it is, and sometimes it has to do with money, sometimes it's this idea that they should be able to figure it out on their own and it's not okay for them to ask for help. So it's always interesting to see some of the different pieces that go into play with that because, again, i do think that people would benefit so much about and to not get so much in their way Right, and I don't.
Nikisha King:I don't ever believe it's money. Money is only paper. It's a currency that the society put a value on it. So they have numbers right $1, one, five, five. But in regards to how much money, i know it's not that because if you look at them with the iPhone $800, right, exactly, it's the value of how they perceive it, and if someone doesn't value themself, then they're not gonna invest in exactly my point, but they.
Nikisha King:If they value an iPhone because in their mind this is like the coolest thing to have, right, it's still a phone I can call someone. I guess that's like the bare minimum of a phone They value that where we put our value is.
Grace Montes:It's, yeah, ironic sometimes the things that are much most helpful for us and what really might bring most value to Feeling better and being better are sometimes not necessarily Considered can't be, they can't be considered value.
Nikisha King:If you don't value, you don't value yourself. Yeah and it doesn't even took for me, right.
Grace Montes:Like it took for me a lot of the times, like people will be like well, you know, you're not a, you're not very much into like this, and I'm like you know what. No, i know what I value. I value my friends, my family, i love traveling And I see you do that and I do that. So if it's going to be, if I'm going to spend time and energy on something At this point in my life, it has to be something I really enjoy and that it brings much more joy than sacrifice. Because I think like that was also like for me, like I had to kind of flip, that it's not just about sacrificing.
Grace Montes:I remember someone told me you know, you have to work to live, but not live to work. And to me I always remember that and I remember it was like during my internship and they were like grace, you're such a hard worker. I always see you. You know, do this, do that, but you need to take time, you know. And and you know what It was like the first time that I realized, because for me, again, i was telling you, i'm not from here, so I come, i'm first generation here, which is very common, again, for imposter syndrome folks, you know. So for me I was wired by my family, and I even still see my father, my father. I gotta tell him stop Like, just relax. Yeah, but for him he's so wired that he needs to work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work.
Nikisha King:Yeah, once he stopped working it, would he go downhill quickly, because it's not in his nature.
Grace Montes:It's not in his nature. So now it's like, okay, how do you keep busy doing things that might be Considered work but that maybe you like and enjoy? we're still working with that with mr Montez, But you know, I think to his credit, I think that you know that was something he needed to survive in this country.
Nikisha King:Exactly.
Grace Montes:And that's not. That's another thing for us. We need to start realizing what is survival mode And what can help us thrive two different things.
Nikisha King:So good, that could be our next conversation.
Grace Montes:No, we could talk for hours, i'm sure yes.
Nikisha King:So let me ask you this I want to share something with the community. I will love to give them something like a newsletter or something of that nature. Is there something they will get if you have a newsletter and like, tell me more about that so we can make sure they have that in this podcast, sure so we are in the process of starting a newsletter.
Grace Montes:So one of the things that I do a lot of work on is emotional wellness. So one of my things is really to, i think, remind folks about, like, the importance of really seeing mental health, emotional health, no different than you see your physical health. You know, a lot of the times people are able to understand why people go to the doctor. Like you know the person is struggling with, you know, a heart condition or diabetes, it makes sense that they go to the doctor. You know you don't tell the person who just had a heart attack to get over it. You know you tell them go take care of yourself, take it easy. But unfortunately, when people are struggling with things like depression, anxiety, you know, addiction, it's seen as okay. You have a choice and you're choosing me and not necessarily given the empathy or just a support that maybe they might need. And again, we're not. I'm not saying enable, right, because that's a different conversation, but I think that it is important for us to be aware of the mental health stigmas that we have. So my whole thing recently, and even with the newsletter, is really to to convey the message of Emotional wellness is something that is needed. You know, seeing a therapist doesn't mean that you have to be in crisis, being proactive, no different than you go, or that maybe we need to be going On a yearly basis to your primary care doctor for your annual Check in with a therapist. You know, and really consider What are the potential benefits of really learning more about yourself, learning about you, know how you interact with other people.
Grace Montes:Just because you have not experienced any symptoms of mental health yet Doesn't mean that you are not bound to struggle with it, because we all can struggle with different grades of Anxiety and depression.
Grace Montes:They're what we consider adjustment. You know Disorders, at least in in my field, and again, not to say labels, but a lot of the times it's just people don't want to go to the therapist because they're afraid of that diagnosis And I think, for me at least, what I remind people is I don't see you as a diagnosis. We're here to work on what are your goals and And absolutely diagnosis are helpful to understand what are the symptoms and it's really more of a form of communication amongst providers And certainly if you're using your insurance, you know that's like a whole thing about medical necessity, but in terms of your therapy process, the label, you know if the diagnosis is the least of your worries. It's really about showing up and doing the work And being allow, allowing yourself to be vulnerable Because, kind of like going to the gym, i could have a gym membership but if I don't go, not going to do anything It's so true, not at all.
Nikisha King:I know that life. Yeah, thank you so much. Grace for joining us today.
Grace Montes:No problem. Thank you for having me.
Nikisha King:It's been a pleasure. I'm going to look forward to having you many more times.
Grace Montes:I appreciate it. This was so fun.
Nikisha King:It was, wasn't it.
Grace Montes:I love this.
Nikisha King:We're going to be sharing grace's information and off-show notes and also her newsletter. You'll have a link to that as well, and thank you once again, grace, and we hope to have you back soon and have great conversations.
Grace Montes:I appreciate it. Thank you so much for this.
Nikisha King:Thanks for spending time with me today And if you received an aha moment in today's episode, hit the follow button and share a review. But more importantly, if you have a friend who will truly benefit from today's episode, click the three dots and share this link via text. You never know how this small action can help someone tremendously. See you next Tuesday and have an amazing day.
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